everything changes

things have a way of changing, for the better or worse, as the days go on. just when i thought everything was starting to look up...or at least starting to be less complicated, i decided to go to the doctor. just a heads up, this may be a little too much information for some people, so, if you hate hearing about other people's medical stuff, just click out now. if not, thanks for sticking around in advance. i just need to get this out because it's just been me and my thoughts all day.

as at least one half of you know, going to the gyn. isn't exactly the most pleasant thing in the world, and given the fact that my last hypomanic episode started in her office last year, i can bet that neither me nor my doctor were particularly thrilled about the prospect of this appointment's success. anyway, the exam itself went ok. with the help of some counseling and very forgiving women's specialists, it's gotten a lot easier for all of us to deal with over the years - but its still an anxiety ridden process for me given everything that has happened.

anyway, as is customary before most pelvic exams, ladies must endure the loveliness that is second basing it with your doctor (in order to detect breast cancer). good doctors seem to know how to distract you from this awkwardness, and luckily, mine is great at it. given the special circumstances that are involved with my case, she takes a lot of time to explain everything that's going on, and step by step what will happen and should be feeling. its kind of like listening to the instruction manual of your own exam...weird, yes, but it makes me feel better.

in the midst of awkwardfest 2007, she starts talking with me about "my endometriosis". while i have heard the term before, i have never heard of it in relation to me personally, so that, of course, was a bit of a shock. she must have seen my expression change from "oh god just let this be over so i can stop staring at the little piece of tape hanging from the ceiling and get out of here" to "oh god what the hell is she talking about are my ovaries going to kill me?" because she quickly started explaining it in more detail, and as a result, i started asking more questions.

so yes, as it turns out, i more than likely have endometriosis. but, the catch is that the only way to find out if this is 100% correct, and obviously if and how it can be treated, is for me to have surgery. ding ding ding! apparently, as an all knowing and infinitely wise developing fetus, i decided to enter the lottery of embarrassing and incurable disorders -- and won. i'm the lucky recipient of conditions that effect both of the most embarrassing parts of the body. my ass, and its friends, and my cooter and its friends. why not? now, before you get your no no parts all in a twist, i know, things could be a lot worse. i could have life threatening illnesses with no cure. and to my knowledge so far, i don't. while ibs and endometriosis are incurable, they are certainly not going to kill me. but there's a difference between having nothing, and having two things that will inevitablely (and quite painfully) effect you for the rest of your life.


as a result they put me on pain meds and continuous birth control to stave off the endo. developing anymore until i have surgery. good for us because there is virtually no way i'm going to get pregant now, but its a double edged sword because she's most concerned about the endo. causing permanent infertility, and for the first time in my life, i am too. its one thing to choose not to have kids, but its another thing entirely to have that option taken away from you. and to be honest, after learning about the possibility of me having this, i feel like less of a person. definitely less of a woman...and most of all, less worthy of staying with for the long haul… for jon's sake anyway. i guess in a way he has won the jackpot too...except the pot was filled with damaged goods. first psychologically and now physically. im pretty sure he should just run while he can.

speaking of jon, he took me to my appt (and played video games in the lobby while i was in my exam). i always have someone go with me if i can. i try to never go to any doctor by myself after last time. he ended up having to leave for penn state within ten minutes of us getting back home, which is understandable, its his job, but sometimes i just wish that he could just stay for once...i know i'm not dying and that i might be overreacting, but i just needed to have someone be there with me today. someone close, someone that i'm actually able to relax around. someone that i will actually let hold me and listen to when they tell me that things are going be ok. to tell me that i'm not damaged or broken....but instead, he left and i was alone, like always. i ended up talking to my mom for over an hour about it. she wants me to get a second opinion, but after reading everything online about it...i think the diagnosis is pretty spot on. especially with it being connected to ibs. with my family being in florida i'm sure its hard for them to know what to say other than to deny it, or to try and prove that its not true. who wants to think that someone that they love is sick? especially if that someone is their mother (and if they are possibly losing the chance to have biologically related grandchildren in the near future).

the only friend i feel really comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with now lives 200 miles away. and yes i know i'm writing it in this thing, for all of you myspace friends to read, but its not the same. yes, telephones are good and texting is good, but sometimes just having someone who's willing to just sit there in silence and hold your hand while you cry feels better than anything else -- even if we don't actually touch. i guess more than anything i just need to get my mind off of it. so much stuff has happened within the last few months that i'm not even sure that my feet are touching the ground anymore. i feel like i have been spinning in circles for longer than i can remember not spinning and even if no one reads this, i think it might make me feel a little better about everything to just write.

when it rains it pours, and i guess this is just another one of those storms. in less than a month i get to go and see my grandma for the first time since everything happened. maybe that will put everything into perspective again. i can't help but worry that she won't remember me, and i know its selfish but i just want her to know that i'm there. after having my insignificant little medical things happen, i realize how important it is to have someone there with you to ease your mind. but how do you comfort someone who doesn't even realize your there? i'm going to throw myself into making her scrapbook, although it's probably not going to be finished until closer to christmas at this rate - at least it will give me something to focus on.

i do miss my job and everyone that i worked with very much, i'm lucky to have found such great people to hang out with. but i am honestly thankful to not have to worry about all of the stress that comes along with retail during the holidays given all of this that has happend. i can't imagine trying to plan out all of this surgery and insurance crap, worrying about my grandma, working and going to school all at once. i'm not sure whether i'm going to have the surgery in ohio or florida, with football season rearing is ugly head for the final time, im pretty sure jon won't be around to take care of me during recovery, which i guess will take 3-4 weeks. so florida might be the best option, but i dont know if that is even going to work given everything that is going on with my grandma. i dont want to add the chaos, because this feels insignificant compared to everything she's going through. i dont know if i can wait or if i should have it done as soon as possible. even if i dont currently want to have any kids, if i can prevent infertility, i'd like to, just to have the option in the future. i dont know anymore. everything is happening so fast and i guess i'm still reeling. hopefully someday soon i'll be able to come back down and things will start to look up again.