The UN took my lunch money!! (finally)

I have come to the conclusion, that my writing will one day get me killed. I've accepted it, and I hope you can too. So, without any further ado, pomp or circumstance, I say unto you, my dearest readers, it's been a trip. ~<~@

Picture it. A warm but somewhat dismal, Ohio-gray (yes, I will be sending that color in for patent consideration) day. Me, in my usual position (in front of one of my computers), lazily wasting the hours away before I have to drive to work. Then, the sadly familiar attempt at suspenseful music blazes through the air, breaking up the monotony. Courtesy of the 24 hour news channel that I usually keep on for background noise, flashes a flaming red breaking news graphic across the screen. Ahmadinejad is on his way to speak with those liberal bastards at Columbia University...EVERYBODY PANIC! I could feel the long-suppressed giddiness of my former child rise up in my chest, anticipating the good old fashioned riot that was about to take place. The stage was set. Picket signs and Crayola-covered poster boards waving in the air, news helicopters swarming overhead, and photojournalists falling all over each other to get just one shot of Evil Incarnate. Perfection.

While activists from every side crowded to try and intimidate a man who has been affectionately nicknamed "The Hitler of Our Generation", I drooled with anticipation -- and popped some popcorn. This was going to be awesome. He brazenly walked by his naysayers, smiling, shadowed by a small army of security guards. The media and audiences alike were wetting themselves -- completely captivated by his presence. I was amazed at the sheer volume of attention this story was getting. Clearly he had us right where he wanted us. Imagine the film being sent back to Iran. Throngs of Americans line the streets just to catch a glimpse of their president, when barely a thousand show up for Bush. Ironic?

As I was watched these events unfold, I simultaneously talked with three of my friends via the wonder's of my cell phone and the courtesy of my chosen IM service. This is what we had all been waiting for. Its better than (insert holiday (marketing extravaganza) of your choice here). I couldn't believe that we could actually discuss everything together...in "real time". First of all, let me say, that the President of the University, Lee Bollinger, has some balls of steel...or titanium or something, he got up there and tore Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a new one -- via a translator. Our translator via MSN seemed to be very emotional on the topic, and during Ahmadinejad's response, seemed to become very invested in expressing the heat of the argument between the men. Although, his response for me just semeed like a lesson in intercontinental whining -- hence the title of this blog.

I sat in silent anticipation, hoping that at any second we'd here the quintessential POP POP POP and people would start running like cattle running from the slaughterhouse. Not because I wanted to see anyone actually get hurt, but because this seemed to be the prime setting for something like an assassination attempt to occur (and for the simple fact that it would be a large enough event to stop the Britney Spears custody battle coverage -- a girl can dream can't she?) . Given the not so newfound contempt the Bush Administration seems to have acquired in recent months, it's only a matter of time before there is an "accidentally" push the big red button -- except this time I'm pretty sure, his people will have the ability to fight back.

UPDATE: While I'd like to give a play by play of the speech, my time spent watching it was cut short because I had to go to work. And, although I could look up the speech and experience it's glory again, somehow I feel that that would not be true to form...considering the lapse in time that has occurred between the day it happened, and today (a little over a month after said speech occurred). Better late than never I say! For now I'm just going to relish in the memories that I have, of a man who was willing to step up to that nicely lacquered podium and call out a man who makes no apologies for how "evil" he has become, and the retaliation that occurred thereafter. Just think, outside of the massive amounts of PR this served up for him, from Ahmadinejad's perspective...this was an intellectual debate between two professors. Yay global politics. "Intellectualism" strikes again.

everything changes

things have a way of changing, for the better or worse, as the days go on. just when i thought everything was starting to look up...or at least starting to be less complicated, i decided to go to the doctor. just a heads up, this may be a little too much information for some people, so, if you hate hearing about other people's medical stuff, just click out now. if not, thanks for sticking around in advance. i just need to get this out because it's just been me and my thoughts all day.

as at least one half of you know, going to the gyn. isn't exactly the most pleasant thing in the world, and given the fact that my last hypomanic episode started in her office last year, i can bet that neither me nor my doctor were particularly thrilled about the prospect of this appointment's success. anyway, the exam itself went ok. with the help of some counseling and very forgiving women's specialists, it's gotten a lot easier for all of us to deal with over the years - but its still an anxiety ridden process for me given everything that has happened.

anyway, as is customary before most pelvic exams, ladies must endure the loveliness that is second basing it with your doctor (in order to detect breast cancer). good doctors seem to know how to distract you from this awkwardness, and luckily, mine is great at it. given the special circumstances that are involved with my case, she takes a lot of time to explain everything that's going on, and step by step what will happen and should be feeling. its kind of like listening to the instruction manual of your own exam...weird, yes, but it makes me feel better.

in the midst of awkwardfest 2007, she starts talking with me about "my endometriosis". while i have heard the term before, i have never heard of it in relation to me personally, so that, of course, was a bit of a shock. she must have seen my expression change from "oh god just let this be over so i can stop staring at the little piece of tape hanging from the ceiling and get out of here" to "oh god what the hell is she talking about are my ovaries going to kill me?" because she quickly started explaining it in more detail, and as a result, i started asking more questions.

so yes, as it turns out, i more than likely have endometriosis. but, the catch is that the only way to find out if this is 100% correct, and obviously if and how it can be treated, is for me to have surgery. ding ding ding! apparently, as an all knowing and infinitely wise developing fetus, i decided to enter the lottery of embarrassing and incurable disorders -- and won. i'm the lucky recipient of conditions that effect both of the most embarrassing parts of the body. my ass, and its friends, and my cooter and its friends. why not? now, before you get your no no parts all in a twist, i know, things could be a lot worse. i could have life threatening illnesses with no cure. and to my knowledge so far, i don't. while ibs and endometriosis are incurable, they are certainly not going to kill me. but there's a difference between having nothing, and having two things that will inevitablely (and quite painfully) effect you for the rest of your life.


as a result they put me on pain meds and continuous birth control to stave off the endo. developing anymore until i have surgery. good for us because there is virtually no way i'm going to get pregant now, but its a double edged sword because she's most concerned about the endo. causing permanent infertility, and for the first time in my life, i am too. its one thing to choose not to have kids, but its another thing entirely to have that option taken away from you. and to be honest, after learning about the possibility of me having this, i feel like less of a person. definitely less of a woman...and most of all, less worthy of staying with for the long haul… for jon's sake anyway. i guess in a way he has won the jackpot too...except the pot was filled with damaged goods. first psychologically and now physically. im pretty sure he should just run while he can.

speaking of jon, he took me to my appt (and played video games in the lobby while i was in my exam). i always have someone go with me if i can. i try to never go to any doctor by myself after last time. he ended up having to leave for penn state within ten minutes of us getting back home, which is understandable, its his job, but sometimes i just wish that he could just stay for once...i know i'm not dying and that i might be overreacting, but i just needed to have someone be there with me today. someone close, someone that i'm actually able to relax around. someone that i will actually let hold me and listen to when they tell me that things are going be ok. to tell me that i'm not damaged or broken....but instead, he left and i was alone, like always. i ended up talking to my mom for over an hour about it. she wants me to get a second opinion, but after reading everything online about it...i think the diagnosis is pretty spot on. especially with it being connected to ibs. with my family being in florida i'm sure its hard for them to know what to say other than to deny it, or to try and prove that its not true. who wants to think that someone that they love is sick? especially if that someone is their mother (and if they are possibly losing the chance to have biologically related grandchildren in the near future).

the only friend i feel really comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with now lives 200 miles away. and yes i know i'm writing it in this thing, for all of you myspace friends to read, but its not the same. yes, telephones are good and texting is good, but sometimes just having someone who's willing to just sit there in silence and hold your hand while you cry feels better than anything else -- even if we don't actually touch. i guess more than anything i just need to get my mind off of it. so much stuff has happened within the last few months that i'm not even sure that my feet are touching the ground anymore. i feel like i have been spinning in circles for longer than i can remember not spinning and even if no one reads this, i think it might make me feel a little better about everything to just write.

when it rains it pours, and i guess this is just another one of those storms. in less than a month i get to go and see my grandma for the first time since everything happened. maybe that will put everything into perspective again. i can't help but worry that she won't remember me, and i know its selfish but i just want her to know that i'm there. after having my insignificant little medical things happen, i realize how important it is to have someone there with you to ease your mind. but how do you comfort someone who doesn't even realize your there? i'm going to throw myself into making her scrapbook, although it's probably not going to be finished until closer to christmas at this rate - at least it will give me something to focus on.

i do miss my job and everyone that i worked with very much, i'm lucky to have found such great people to hang out with. but i am honestly thankful to not have to worry about all of the stress that comes along with retail during the holidays given all of this that has happend. i can't imagine trying to plan out all of this surgery and insurance crap, worrying about my grandma, working and going to school all at once. i'm not sure whether i'm going to have the surgery in ohio or florida, with football season rearing is ugly head for the final time, im pretty sure jon won't be around to take care of me during recovery, which i guess will take 3-4 weeks. so florida might be the best option, but i dont know if that is even going to work given everything that is going on with my grandma. i dont want to add the chaos, because this feels insignificant compared to everything she's going through. i dont know if i can wait or if i should have it done as soon as possible. even if i dont currently want to have any kids, if i can prevent infertility, i'd like to, just to have the option in the future. i dont know anymore. everything is happening so fast and i guess i'm still reeling. hopefully someday soon i'll be able to come back down and things will start to look up again.

Ashley Rx (response)

(My debate response)

As a former caregiver for both children and adults with disabilities, my initial reaction was against the treatment. My first thought was immediately of the Eugenics movement, with this being the unfortunate catalyst for its revival. Needless to say, after looking into the situation further, I have since reconsidered my position.

I have witnessed miraculous recoveries by those who were given a supposedly non-recoverable diagnosis. I share a belief held by many in our field, that when given the chance, those who are underestimated will surpass everyone's expectations and flourish no matter what challenges they have been given.

Given all of that, I also believe that each case is inherently unique. The choices of Ashley's parents should in no way, be mass marketed to those searching for a miraculous "cure" for the daily challenges that come with caring for someone in Ashley's condition. There is ultimately no "magic bullet" in situations like Ashley's. It takes a very very dedicated and loving person to provide the kind of care that Ashley needs and rightfully deserves. I applaud her parents for stepping up to the plate and placing themselves in the primary caregiver role -- many parents in their position do not. The decision Ashley's parents made, seemed to come after a lot of discussion with respected medical professionals, and while the parents state that it was not a hard decision for them, I am sure the choice was not made lightly.

Because Ashley has no ability to communicate her wishes to her parents, they have to act on her behalf. And while their approach has been unconventional, it was the best choice for their particular situation. They, after all, are the sole people responsible for making such decisions, and I believe that it is the right of every parent in their situation to do so.

The Ashley Treatment

Who decides what qualifies as an acceptable quality of life? That, my friends, was the interesting question posed for myself and over 150 of my classmates to try to answer. We have been asked to debate the issues that surround a little girl named "Ashley". Ashley, is a ten year old Seattle, Washington resident, that was born with a rare, debilitating disorder called "static encephalopathy (of unknown etiology)". In layman's terms, the diagnosis means that the doctors have been unable to determine why she is the way she is. (The fact that the "I have no fucking clue" diagnosis even exists gives me the utmost confidence in the advancements in medical knowledge...how about you?) To break the literal terminology apart: static encephalopathy = profoundly severe brain damage, of an unknown (etiology = origin). Her doctors believe that her prognosis for improvement is virtually nonexistent, and that her mental state will remain in infancy for the duration of her life. She is non-ambulatory, so, as a result, she is unable to feed or clean herself, change positions independently or even maintain eye contact for a sustained period of time. Because of these challenges, Ashley is completely dependent on her parents (her sole caregivers, outside of some help from her grandmothers, as stated on their website).

In a highly controversial decision, Ashley's parents (who prefer to remain anonymous), elected to have their daughter undergo a series of medical treatments including: stunting her growth through estrogen treatment, removing some of her organs (appendix and uterus), and removing the beginning stages of breasts (known as "breast buds"). They are quoted as saying that all of this was done in order to give Ashley a better quality of life -- which, as stated above, is the point of contention for people on both sides of the issue. The case began receiving international attention after Ashley's parents created a site to explain "their side of the story". As to be expected, site provides most of the parental opinion on the case. They also state on the site that after an exhaustive, yet unsuccessful, search for "qualified professional care", they have chosen to care for Ashley at home, along with her two younger siblings.

So, after a few days of researching the case, I have formulated my opinion, but, I am more interested in the opinions that you, the readers have. So, comment, I'd like to hear them. Here are some links to get you started if your interested in learning more about the case.

Peace.